I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
