Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.