Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wish there were birth control emojis
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.