Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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