Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
