so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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