you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
