Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just saw a hot homeless man
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
