are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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