does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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