She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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