The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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