Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
