Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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