You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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