it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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