youre lurking in front of me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
