my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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