forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
