It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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