Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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