fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
