someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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