I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
