She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
