Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
