I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
