Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
