You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
