but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
