hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
