I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
