i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
