life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
