Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
