If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
