You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
