Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
