There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's rum buckets o'clock
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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