The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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