its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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