You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
