I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
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so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
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Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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