Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
