She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
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My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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