Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
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