i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize