I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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