i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
