my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
