my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
