I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
