When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
