I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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