omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
