I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
