have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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