she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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