He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
