I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
