If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
God, I missed his penis.
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